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I know I sound like a jerk to my friends because I always complain about them, but I don't mean any of my complaints as mean. I just wish they could feel how I'm feeling inside. I think this world would be a whole lot better if people could feel what the other felt. That way there would be no hurt feelings or misunderstandings. They would just know how the person felt, and have no misconceptions or wrong ideas that would make them, in turn, angry. This post may make me out to be a total witch, and maybe I will lose friends, but I need to vent. If I keep things bottled inside, it will just make me insane. Again, I don't mean any of this as mean or nasty even if it comes out that way. I'm just being honest. 

I don't have a very good self-esteem. I'm the type of girl who needs to hear encouragement. When people ignore me, I feel like they don't like me, or just don't care about me. I feel so invisible, and when even my friends ignore me, it makes me feel worthless. I can just hear the monsters in my head saying, "They hate you." "You are immature." "You have no talent, and they are just too nice to tell you that." People underestimate just how much words can make a difference.

I posted pictures, and I had a few people comment on one or two, which I really appreciate. But I expected a lot more people to comment. Every time I log into facebook with no notifications, it makes me sad. I get excited thinking of how many responses or likes I might get, and when I see none, it just makes me sad. My heart drops, and it's just a bad feeling. I posted a video of me singing Taylor Swift's "Superstar" about her being in love with a singer she has never met. I put pictures of Adam Levine in the background since he's my celebrity crush and it went with the song's theme. It took me a while to do that. I may not be the best singer, but I don't think I'm that bad like the people on the American Idol auditions. Still, not a single person even mentioned my video. I bet some didn't even care enough to watch it. I posted in on Twitter and Facebook, and no one replied to me. Not one! Then that makes me hear in my head, "You sucked so bad that they are secretly thinking how you can not sing, and that you are immature and stupid for crushing on a celebrity.

That's why I don't feel 100 percent comfortable being friends with married people because they act so grown up and superior, and think I'm such a little child because I don't have a husband/a real guy like they do. They tend to have that attitude, "she's so cute, but she needs to grow up and find a real guy." As if it's that easy. Or, "When you have kids, you'll understand." That makes me the angriest. Or they think I'm dumb for thinking of my cats and my dog as my children. I don't want children. I'd much rather have animals as children. It's just a matter of taste, but they tend to make it a matter of superiority and maturity on their part and inferiorism and immaturity on mine.

Friends are supposed to build you up, and most of mine just don't. They ignore me and think I'm just out for attention. Maybe I am a little, but I'm more starved for it than they are, so it's hard for them to understand because they have all the attention they want. And if they themselves weren't attention getters, then why have a facebook? I mean, some people feel the need to tell the world what they are cooking for dinner, or what their child did in the toilet . That's not a cry for attention? Why would anyone need to know that? I'm not saying it's wrong to post that. I think everyone should post exactly what they want to. I'm just saying, don't say I'm the one hungry for attention, when you so obviously are too. 

Then there are the guy friends who have girlfriends or wives and think they can't even be in the room alone with me because they have a girlfriend. That is so stupid! I'm not going to hit on you, so get over yourself. In fact, it quite insults me if my guy friends think that I'm gonna hit on them. Also, if your wife or girlfriend has a problem with it, then they need help because a relationship should be built on trust.
Get over yourselves! I don't like any of my guy friends romantically at all, nor will I ever. Ew. It would be like dating my brother if I had one. Sometimes I just want to hear from a guy that they think I'm pretty, or that they have my back if someone tries to hurt me. Or have them stick up for me. It would just feel good and make me feel loved. It would so NOT make me fall in love with them. It would just make me feel good and appreciate them even more as a platonic friend. Nothing more. 

I feel uncomfortable when I hang with a couple, and will never hang out with a couple without bringing my sister or a friend. Otherwise, I feel like a third wheel. Heck, even with my sister or friend along, I sometimes feel like a third wheel. When people are with me, I don't want to be ignored at any time. Some of my friends have a habit of just talking to each other even when I'm there and my sister or friend is off somewhere else. It's like, "Hello, don't you see me here? You have all that time to be together when you're not with me. You don't get to see me all the time like you do each other! Pay attention to me, not just each other! Can you do that for the two hours we're together?" PDA is the worst. When you're with me, please don't EVER kiss, hold hands, or talk baby talk to each other. Baby talk is ridiculous, and kissing and hand holding is sick. PDA and baby talk makes me angry. I hold in my anger because I'm your friend, and you are my guest, but inside I am a bubbling pit of lava because I'm so angry you don't consider my feelings, and don't think about it making me feel nauseated! You'e not on a date, you're out with friends. Save it for the privacy of your own home please, or at least when you're not with me. I sometimes feel like I'm just used as something to get people hot, like they are making out in front of me as some kinky game they like to play. It's just stupid and gross. If I had a boyfriend, I would never in a million years resort to PDA because loving someone should be a private matter; not a show for people to watch.

Just all these factors make me feel invisible and worthless. No one cares about my writing, my singing, my creative projects, my feelings, or even me.  I wish I had a gay guy friend to tell me I'm pretty. Then there'd be no jealous, insecure girlfriend drama. I just want a friend to stick by me and stick up for me no matter what and make it known how they feel. I take silence as an "I just can't be bothered to take time out of my day to talk to you or make you feel good about yourself." Therefore, I am not important to them. 

*Sigh*. At least I always have God.

P.S. Paul, if you're reading this, thank you for being an amazing friend without thinking I'm going to hit on you. You're exactly the kind of friend I need you to be. :)
Kerry, if you're reading this, thank *you* for always paying attention to me, and not being all PDAish and gross with Jason when I'm over there. You're truly what best friends are made of.

For those of you who don't know, my birthday is coming up on April 23rd. Now for me, a birthday has always been something I look majorly forward to. I don't have a lot of friends, and therefore, I don't get a lot of attention. So, it feels nice to finally have a day where the attention is on me. Me and only me. I think everyone has a right to have one day all about them. :)
Anyway, a few years ago, I read Paris Hilton's Confessions of an Heiress. In it she said that every girl should wear a crown on her birthday. So, I went out and bought a beautiful prom tiara type crown. 

So, I've been wearing it for at least 2-3 years on my birthday. I can't remember for sure how long because the years go by so fast. I figured, Paris Hilton wears one, so it's not immature for me to wear one. Also, my sister has a co-worker who is a lot older than I am, and she wears one. Heck, one year at a restaurant I even saw a lady who looked to be in her fifties wearing a paper crown because it was her birthday, and she was with a friend for her birthday dinner. So, the more I think about it, maybe it's not so immature. 
However, I think Paris wrote that book in 2003, so that means she was 22. Maybe she doesn't wear a crown on her birthday anymore now that she is 30.
Also, my sisters would never wear crowns on their birthdays and they are 10 and 15 years older than I am. So I'm wondring if it is immature for a girl who is turing 29 to wear a birthday crown. I myself love wearing it. It's only a once a year thing after all. I don't want people to laugh at me though.

It's just finally getting through to me. I'm not a kid anymore. I have no job, and I live off of my father's money. True I get Robin (the lady who lives with us and who has down syndrom) ready every weekday. I get $60 dollars a week for that. That helps a bit. I want a real job though. However, everywhere I apply doesn't want to hire me because I have no experience. I am not fast enough for fast food, and I would so not be happy there anyway. I tried McDonald's once, and it was a living hell. My mother always used to say a job isn't worth it if it makes you miserable. 

It's scary, leaving my twenties in just over a year. I want to be independant and grow up, but it's so hard to do! I sometimes think people talk about my situation behind my back, thinking I'm lazy or something. I'm not. I'd love to work at Kohl's or somewhere, but people won't hire me! I just don't want people thinking I'm a kid who refuses to grow up. I want to. Believe me, I want to.

Anyway, back to the question at hand. To wear the crown or not?

Xoxo- Judy

Name = Judy
Piercings = None. I don't do needles.
Tattoos = None. See above.
Height = 5 ft.
Shoe size = 5
Hair color = blonde
Length = Size 0
Siblings = Two older sisters


Movie you rented = The Nurse and Self-Medicated
Movie you bought = Ever After (for me) Madea Goes to Jail, Halloween, and The Good Son (technically for my sister, but we share them.)
Song you listened to = Notorious BIG's "Going Back to Cali" I think.
Song that was stuck in your head = Nothing at the moment.
CD you bought = Glee's Love Songs CD
CD you listened to = A mix CD I made.
Person you've called = Dad
Person that's called you = Sister
TV show you've watched = Good Luck Charlie
Person you were thinking of = Kelly Rutherford


You have a bf or gf = Nope
You have a crush on someone = Yes
You wish you could live somewhere else = Maybe NYC or Orlando, but I'm happy living where I am.
You think about suicide = Not seriously, but yes.
Others find you attractive = Sometimes.
You want more piercings = No
You drink = Non-alcoholic drinks. Mainly non-diet soda.
You do drugs = Only perscribed or over the counter
You smoke = No
You like cleaning = Sometimes.
You like roller coasters = As long as they don't have huge hills or go upside down. I just don't like being strapped down as far as the upside down goes. And my stomach and heart don't appreciate hills. ;)
You write in cursive or print = Cursive usually, but both. Just not very well. ;)
You carry a donor card = No.


Long distance relationships = I'd be willing.
Using someone = Only in an emergency.
Killing people = Like to but no.
Teenage smoking = No Smoking is stupid no matter what age.
Premarital sex = No way.
Driving drunk = No.
Gay/lesbian relationship = Not for me, but whatever floats your boat.
Soap operas = Days of Our Lives is my fav so yes. ;)


Food = pineapple and pepperoni pizza
Song = Currently Tao Cruz' "Dynomite"
Thing to do = Write
Thing to talk about = Matthew Settle and Kelly Rutherford's chemistry and adoration for each other.
Sports = Hate them, but ice skating... I do like that.
Drinks = Cherry Pepsi
Clothes = Hoodies, tops, and dresses are my favorite articles.
Movies = Misery, Mean Girls, Final Destination, the Freddy Kruger, Jason, and Chucky movies. Pretty much any horror movie. Oo, and Diary of a Wimpy Kid - both parts!
Band/singer = Backstreet Boys/Ke$ha

New nerdy saying = Zoo-Wee Mama!


Ever cried over a guy/girl = Oh yeah.
Ever lied to someone = Yes, but I try not to now.
Ever been in a fist fight = Nope!
Ever been arrested = No


Of times I have been in love? Eh. Who knows if it was love or infatuation?
Of times I have had my heart broken? Too many to count.
Of hearts I have broken? = Two
Of girls I have kissed? = 0 romantically. :P
Of boys I have kissed? = 1, but I was only 5 or so. :P
Of girls I've slept with? = 0 (not sexually anyway)
Of boys I've slept with? = 0
Of drugs taken illegally? = 0
Of people I would classify as true, could trust with my life type friends? = A handful
Of people I consider my enemies? = A handful
Of times my name has appeared in the newspaper? = 4. Birth announcement (I'm guessing), when I graduated, an interview I gave about my mom afer she died, and a clip about why I thought Taylor Hicks should win American Idol.
Of scars on my body? = 3
Of things in my past that I regret? = 2 that I can think of. I'm sure more.


Disney movie = Anastasia and The Little Mermaid
Scent = Britney Spears Curious, Britney Spears In Control, Juicy Cotour Viva la Juicy, and Ralph Lauren's Ralph. Men: Nitro, and Eternity
Word = Bombastic
Nickname = Jude, Miss Piggy, Technically Judy is a nickname too.
Guy name = Darren Shawn
Girl name = Angelia Elizabeth
Eye color = Blue
Color = Purple
Flower = Lilacs
Piercing = Belly button, but I don't get piercings.
Actress = Kelly Rutherford, Gillian Zinser, Amanda Peete, Drew Barrymore, Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson, Queen LaTifa, and the late Brittany Murphy.
Actor: = Matthew Settle, Ashton Kutcher, Anthony Anderson, Johnny Depp, Nicholas Cage, Robert Englund


Pretty = A little
Funny = I can be
Hot = Sometimes
Friendly = If someone is nice to me
Amusing = Yes
Ugly = Sometimes
Lovable = I can be if I were given a chance
Pessimistic = Sometimes
Optimistic = Sometimes
Caring = Yes
Sweet = Sometimes
Dorky = Sure
Spell your first name backwards: htiduJ
The story behind your user name: It's my first and middle name followed by my birth year. ;)
Are you straight? Yes
Where do you live? Upstate Ny
4 words that sum you up: Worried, paranoid, shy, compassionate