I know I sound like a jerk to my friends because I always complain about them, but I don't mean any of my complaints as mean. I just wish they could feel how I'm feeling inside. I think this world would be a whole lot better if people could feel what the other felt. That way there would be no hurt feelings or misunderstandings. They would just know how the person felt, and have no misconceptions or wrong ideas that would make them, in turn, angry. This post may make me out to be a total witch, and maybe I will lose friends, but I need to vent. If I keep things bottled inside, it will just make me insane. Again, I don't mean any of this as mean or nasty even if it comes out that way. I'm just being honest.
I don't have a very good self-esteem. I'm the type of girl who needs to hear encouragement. When people ignore me, I feel like they don't like me, or just don't care about me. I feel so invisible, and when even my friends ignore me, it makes me feel worthless. I can just hear the monsters in my head saying, "They hate you." "You are immature." "You have no talent, and they are just too nice to tell you that." People underestimate just how much words can make a difference.
I posted pictures, and I had a few people comment on one or two, which I really appreciate. But I expected a lot more people to comment. Every time I log into facebook with no notifications, it makes me sad. I get excited thinking of how many responses or likes I might get, and when I see none, it just makes me sad. My heart drops, and it's just a bad feeling. I posted a video of me singing Taylor Swift's "Superstar" about her being in love with a singer she has never met. I put pictures of Adam Levine in the background since he's my celebrity crush and it went with the song's theme. It took me a while to do that. I may not be the best singer, but I don't think I'm that
bad like the people on the American Idol
auditions. Still, not a single person even mentioned my video. I bet some didn't even care enough to watch it. I posted in on Twitter and
Facebook, and no one replied to me. Not one! Then that makes me hear in my head, "You sucked so bad that they are secretly thinking how you can not sing, and that you are immature and stupid for crushing on a celebrity.
That's why I don't feel 100 percent comfortable being friends with married people because they act so grown up and superior, and think I'm such a little child because I don't have a husband/a real guy like they do. They tend to have that attitude, "she's so cute, but she needs to grow up and find a real guy." As if it's that easy. Or, "When you have kids, you'll understand." That makes me the angriest. Or they think I'm dumb for thinking of my cats and my dog as my children. I don't want children. I'd much rather have animals as children. It's just a matter of taste, but they tend to make it a matter of superiority and maturity on their part and inferiorism and immaturity on mine.
Friends are supposed to build you up, and most of mine just don't. They ignore me and think I'm just out for attention. Maybe I am a little, but I'm more starved for it than they are, so it's hard for them to understand because they have all the attention they want. And if they themselves weren't attention getters, then why have a facebook? I mean, some people feel the need to tell the world what they are cooking for dinner, or what their child did in the toilet . That's not a cry for attention? Why would anyone need to know that? I'm not saying it's wrong to post that. I think everyone should post exactly what they want to. I'm just saying, don't say I'm the one hungry for attention, when you so obviously are too.
Then there are the guy friends who have girlfriends or wives and think they can't even be in the room alone with me because they have a girlfriend. That is so stupid! I'm not going to hit on you, so get over yourself. In fact, it quite insults me if my guy friends think that I'm gonna hit on them. Also, if your wife or girlfriend has a problem with it, then they need help because a relationship should be built on trust.
Get over yourselves! I don't like any of my guy friends romantically at all, nor will I ever. Ew
. It would be like dating my brother if I had one. Sometimes I just want to hear from a guy that they think I'm pretty, or that they have my back if someone tries to hurt me. Or have them stick up for me. It would just feel good and make me feel loved. It would so NOT make me fall in love with them. It would just make me feel good and appreciate them even more as a platonic friend. Nothing more.
I feel uncomfortable when I hang with a couple, and will never
hang out with a couple without bringing my sister or a friend. Otherwise, I feel like a third wheel. Heck, even with my sister or friend along, I sometimes feel like a third wheel. When people are with me, I don't want to be ignored at any
time. Some of my friends have a habit of just talking to each other even when I'm there and my sister or friend is off somewhere else. It's like, "Hello, don't you see me here? You have all that time to be together when you're not with me. You don't get to see me all the time like you do each other! Pay attention to me, not just each other! Can you do that for the two hours we're together?" PDA is the worst. When you're with me, please don't EVER kiss, hold hands, or talk baby talk to each other. Baby talk is ridiculous, and kissing and hand holding is sick. PDA and baby talk makes me angry. I hold in my anger because I'm your friend, and you are my guest, but inside I am a bubbling pit of lava because I'm so angry you don't consider my feelings, and don't think about it making me feel nauseated! You'e not on a date, you're out with friends. Save it for the privacy of your own home please, or at least when you're not with me. I sometimes feel like I'm just used as something to get people hot, like they are making out in front of me as some kinky game they like to play. It's just stupid and gross. If I had a boyfriend, I would never in a million years resort to PDA because loving someone should be a private matter; not a show for people to watch.
Just all these factors make me feel invisible and worthless. No one cares about my writing, my singing, my creative projects, my feelings, or even me. I wish I had a gay guy friend to tell me I'm pretty. Then there'd be no jealous, insecure girlfriend drama. I just want a friend to stick by me and stick up for me no matter what and make it known how they feel. I take silence as an "I just can't be bothered to take time out of my day to talk to you or make you feel good about yourself." Therefore, I am not important to them.
*Sigh*. At least I always have God.
P.S. Paul, if you're reading this, thank you for being an amazing friend without thinking I'm going to hit on you. You're exactly the kind of friend I need you to be. :)
Kerry, if you're reading this, thank *you* for always paying attention to me, and not being all PDAish and gross with Jason when I'm over there. You're truly what best friends are made of.